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I’m madder than an out-of-comptrol comptroller over the fact that I’m so old I now have to manage my water intake like some kind of steam engine!
Look, you all know the ol’Screecher is very interested in all the life-saving techniques I learn about on 1010 WINS and the interweb, and I can’t wait to blab about them to my lovely wife Sharon so she can make sure I keep doing the things I need to do to stay alive just so I can bring you this column week in and week out, month in and month out, and year in and year out, ad infinitum, etc. to infinity and beyond.
So you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the latest life-saver out there is the thing you would least likely think it to be — a glass of h-two-oh.
For you non-egg heads out there, that spells out “water,” and I’m happy to announce that, apparently, nothing keeps you healthier and feeling young like the universal solvent.
Don’t believe me? Well then keep on drinking that Rock Star Energy Drink or whatever else you dumb whippersnappers put in your body these days and run the risk of not living to my ripe old age, when I’m free to do and write about just about anything I want — as long as I’ve got a glass of the clear stuff by my side.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Carmine, that stuff tastes like nothing, and why would we drink it at a buck a bottle when we can have a bottomless glass of Coca-Cola for the same price?”
The answer, my friend, is simple: logistics.
My doctor told me that it’s really important to drink water throughout the day if you want to get those awful toxins that infest your body with toxicity out. So, without further adieu, here’s the Screecher’s three-point-plan for staying healthy by drinking aqua.
First, have two glasses of water the minute you wake up in the morning. This will help activate your internal organs, which sleep just like the rest of you every night.
Second, drink one glass of water 30 minutes before a meal. This helps with digestion by priming the old pump.
Third, drink a glass of water before taking a bath. This will lower your blood pressure.
Third again, have another glass before going to bed, which will keep you from having a heart attack or stroke. And it will also prevent those darn leg cramps you surely hear me complaining about every night. My least favorite horse is Charley Horse.
Once again, I know what you’re thinking: “Carmine, how the heck am I going to drink water before bed when you know full well it wakes me up and forces me to head to the latrine!”
And my answer would be: “You are right.” Apparently, your kidneys are the laziest organs in your body, and like to do the most work when everything is at the same level. Hence, when you lay down, it’s easier for your kidneys to push things out. Which is what it does. A lot. Especially for me.
Now’s the point in the column where I completely change the subject because I didn’t have enough words to say about the last thing.
Allow me to introduce you to my brother-in-law, Leo Vento, who, despite a household of germs, coughing, sneezing, and obvious ill health surrounding him, celebrated his 90th birthday with those remaining family members able to come (I say this because it is unfortunate that this incredibly cruel winter took its toll, and his great grandchildren Joseph and Anthony, as well as their mom, and granddaughter Nicole were fighting its ill effects and couldn’t make it).
My niece Barbara came with her husband Billy and daughter Jenna and the most delicious birthday cake I ever tasted — a fantastic blueberry crumb pie. We had tons of pizza, calzones, garlic knots (which I ordered her to put on the far side of the table) sausage and pepper, eggplant loafs and lots of Coca-Cola.
Leo was in good spirits, even though my sister Jennie was under the weather and feeling groggy from her medications. My great niece Christina joined the party as did her brother Anthony, just in time for the family cake-cutting and photo.
Leo wished everyone good health, and reminded us that family is the most important thing to have. Good friends come and go, but family will always be there for you!
Happy birthday, Leo!
Screech at you next week!
©2014 Community Newspaper Group
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