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When will we die? Stan doesn’t want to know.

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Drudgereport.com is one of my favorite websites. It is made up mostly of links to stories from newspapers all over the world. These linked stories deal with politics, entertainment, and current events. I was looking at it yesterday when a headline from the very popular British Sunday Times caught my eye. It shouted, “Laser test to tell us when we will die.”

Scientists have invented a wristwatch-style device that controls a painless laser pulse. The inner workings and hidden mechanisms inside this thingamajig analyze certain cells which measure how a person’s body will decline and in turn give the scientists enough information to uncover how much longer a person will live.

I really know several people who want to know how many years they have left to live. Their reasoning is that if they knew the amount of time left, they could program their lives in accordance with their finances and not have to worry about leaving an estate which will often lead to family fights. One woman I know is pretty busy giving it away to her children and grandchildren now. She often says, “You don’t hear a ‘Thank you’ from the grave.”

Even with all this modern technology and up-to-the-minute science, it is impossible to determine exactly when one will pass away. I only know of one person who knew exactly when he would expire. Not only did he know the day, he knew precisely what time.

“Come on Gershbein. How did he know that?”

The judge told him.

Groan!

• • •

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the many poor drivers there are in this town. In fact, the very bold print in the letters section of a recent New York Post reads “Wanted: Better city drivers.”

It may not make you feel better, but it is worth knowing that, even with some very poor drivers, we are far from the worst. According to an analysis of national statistics, leading the rankings of the amount of road rage, pedestrian strikes, and automotive fatalities, the worst drivers in the United States reside in (drum roll, please) — Miami, Florida.

In fact, three of the top five worst cities for drivers are in the Sunshine State. Knowing that, Americans will still take the kids to DisneyWorld.

• • •

I always try to support youngsters who are raising funds for a school, organization, or team. I buy two or three candy bars from the Cub Scout in uniform, one or two boxes of Girl Scout cookies, and I had my car washed by a group of handsome youngsters raising funds for a charity. It wasn’t a great wash, but I still threw seven bucks into the pail.

Today I saw six teenagers wearing football jerseys at an intersection asking drivers to toss some money into their helmets. I am StanGershbein@Bellsouth.net observing something I hadn’t seen before. They weren’t selling a product or a service. Whoever is in charge is now teaching our children to be beggars.

Read Stan Gershbein's column every Monday on BrooklynDaily.com.
Posted 12:00 am, August 26, 2013
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Reader feedback

Joan from Sheepshead Bay says:
In the 20 year old movie, "LEAP OF FAITH" Steve Martin says.....It doesn't matter if you have 10 minutes or 10 years left to live, what matters is that you live. That is a great philosophy to live by. My husband and I live it up as much as we can.
Aug. 26, 2013, 3:24 pm
BILL M. from Brooklyn says:
Sure. Let's teach all the kids how to beg. It will really help when they become homeless.
Aug. 26, 2013, 5:43 pm
Joan from Sheepshead Bay says:
Mr. Gershbein -- I read your joke about "The judge told him" to my husband last night. He hasn't stopped laughing. Sorry but according to him it is not a GROANER joke. It's a great big laugh-out-loud joke. By tonight he will have told it to everyone he sees.
Thank you for a great laugh.
Joan
Aug. 27, 2013, 8:48 am
Herbet from Bergen Beach says:
The writer is correct. If anyone really wants the honest truth about whats going on in America go to the Drudge Report. It is the very best website on the internet.
Aug. 29, 2013, 5:01 pm

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